More specifically, mine. I think I may have posted something like this before, but clearly this kind of thing troubles me.
I grew up in a house with a father who was bossy. I love him, but he bossed us all around...except my mom. They discussed, argued, fought...whatever. Sometimes I will read something that says, "my parents never said a cross word to each other." Liars. I don't believe it. Probably because that was absolutely not the case in our house.
Dad told Mom what to do, and she did her own thing. Oftentimes she would be going along, then my dad would try telling her how to slice the tomato (on his sandwich SHE was making for him), and suddenly that sandwich was being hurled at his face.
In a nutshell. :)
In a conversation with my mother, she told me she didn't raise me to be a 'women's libber'. Hahaha. Maybe not intentionally, but she did. For as long as I can remember, I wanted to prove something. My own value, I suppose.
In the mile race in third grade, I wanted to be the fastest one. I usually was in races. But one kid was faster...a boy. My motivation was solely to beat him. And on the last little stretch, I passed him up. I was thrilled, and he cried. I ate that up.
In sixth grade, we had a arm-wrestling competition in my class. I could beat everyone, boys included. Well, except for one boy. But he was massive.
I became extremely competitive in all aspects of my life. I wanted to be the best, the smartest, the funniest...you name it. (I must say here, that my desire was great, but my execution was not. I really did want to be the best one at everything, but never was. )
And then I went to college. I was still the same. I figured when I got married and had children, I would stay home with them. My mom did, and I wanted to as well. Brian and I even had this huge fight (while engaged) about me working or not. I was insistent that even when my kids went to school, I would be home...he wanted me to work. It makes me laugh now to think of it.
So Brian and I got married. We both had school and work to manage. I liked it. Loved it actually. After my first year of grad school, we were all supposed to do an internship. Brian was finishing his undergrad and applying to medical school. Well, he got a good internship down in CA, and I had nothing....so I worked temp jobs. Even now as I think of it, I felt like a loser. Here my classmates were doing meaningful (at least related to our classes) work, and I was stocking shelves at Kmart, doing data entry for an online toy company, more data entry somewhere else. It was awful. I really was happy for Brian and his experience he was getting, but I resented him a bit. Why had I worked so hard in school? to work at Kmart? It was difficult to say the least. Continually trying to convince myself that I was smart and capable, but I just felt disappointed.
Back to school was great, and I found we were pregnant with Samantha. She was born just as I graduated, so I stayed home with her. Those days were interesting. Not quite what I had envisioned. Newborns are boring. so I watched a lot of Lifetime channel for a while. But, after the 15th beaten woman who took her life back and got revenge on her old lover...blah blah blah. I've seen that before.
So life continued on. More children came, medical school, I stayed home but managed apartment buildings. Then one day in 2007, I decided to get certified to teach aerobics. I did, and I started teaching at the Y where I lived. And I absolutely LOVED it. seriously, loved it.
Why? I do love to exercise, but I was getting a meager little check each time I taught. People would tell me they liked my class. I felt worthwhile. Staying at home has been more difficult for me than I ever anticipated. Who knew I wanted to work? But not just a job, something I loved to do. It was a real, tangible thing I could prepare for, execute, and then get instant feedback. It was awesome!
Sadly, in 2009, I left CA and have not had a teaching job since. My life has become even more hectic, but I yearn for that outlet. I love it. People will sometimes come to me and tell me how much they love Brian, what a wonderful doctor he is. I know he is. But let me tell you about the last time someone said what a wonderful mother I am................................
wait. it never happened. Probably because my kids just burped out loud and then pushed your kid down. Oops.
Knowing how I have struggled with these ridiculous feelings of inadequacy, of not reaching my potential, of guilt for wanting to leave when I know I should stay...why would I have 4 girls? I needed to have boys. Boys I could push to be the best, to become whatever they would like to be. Instead, I talk to my girls about picking a career that can possibly be flexible with a family later on. It hurts my heart to even say it....be awesome, but not TOO awesome because that might prevent you from staying home and raising your kids. Yuck.
Mostly, I guess I hope they can marry wonderful men who will understand that they really are equals in every way, and not less than their husband. In this church, I find those men are few and far between.
Whew. That is enough ranting for today.
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11 comments:
I love your honesty Holly! I have felt this same way at times. I've never really loved a job, but I wanted to feel needed and appreciated and like I was successful at something, besides "just a mom."
I volunteered to be PTO Vice-President this year now that all my kids are in school. And even though I'm not getting paid, I'm doing something worthwhile with my time and meeting new people. Even though I don't necessarily feel appreciated, but I'm definitely needed and get to use some of my educational and organizational skills.
Well written! First of all I know you have very well behaved kids. I was always amazed you could get them to sit on the bench at church by themselves!!!!
Plus you were an awesome teacher.
I always wanted to be a SAHM. My mom actually worked most of the time I was growing up. She worked nights as a nurse while we were little and then had a day job while we were at school. She went full time after we went to college. I thought I didn't want to work like she did. Oh was I wrong.
I did get a flexible degree, but it doesn't help that I keep following my husbands career around. I find a job I love and then I have to move! I am still a little bitter about leaving my job in Utah. It was the PERFECT job.
I miss the adult interaction. Feeling like someone values my time and yes the paycheck. So right now I am just trying to remember that these years of little kids won't last forever and hopefully someday I will get to have that perfect job back again that will pay for my kids college.
Right now I am just going to remember how lucky I am that I do get to stay home.
I wish we lived close enough to get together for a nice 4 hour visit regularly.
That had to have felt good to write all that down - good for you.
I used to crave recognition from those around me. For anything - I wasn't picky. But then I realized that most of the things people are willing to give women recognition for aren't the types of things God asks us to do. So I started picturing God and Jesus beside me giving me all the recognition I wanted (when I did things that were pleasing to them). And you know something? I think they really were. And still are when I need it.
I always thought I would want to work (like my mom did) at least a little bit. Sometimes I still think that for a little bit of sanity and adult interaction. Mostly though I feel so blessed to be able to stay home with our kids. It definitely isn't an easy job and you're right-no recognition! But I really like what Bethany said; God and Jesus are cheering you (us) on. Man, life is hard! Just when you thought it was going to get easier! I really hope you aren't a 'women's libber." :)
While I have never wanted a job outside my home, I can still totally relate to this post. I have always been the classic over-achiever also. I wanted to be the best. I recognize now that I am not the best at everything but I still want to be excellent in the things that I do. I came across this blog post awhile ago.
http://www.modernparentsmessykids.com/2012/02/im-woman-with-plan-and-routine-and.html
It basically lists out all the things you need to do to have your entire life organized. It was actually a joke, but as I read it, I was just thinking that it was exactly what I was wanting to accomplish (and frankly, I am not that far off). On the other hand, there are many, many days that I feel inadequate. The kids are out of control, the house isn't clean, I haven't blogged in weeks/months, and I am wasting way too much time with technology. On those days, I just have to take a deep breath and just embrace my awesomeness. :)
http://2.bp.blogspot.com/-iNr7UcOQhkk/ThuYfsXURbI/AAAAAAAAAaA/rW6_XDxXFdo/s400/awesome.jpg
Listen, you tell your girls that they can do anything they want to do. I have a little sister who is 25 and still waiting for the right guy so she is applying to dental school. I also have a good friend who is a family practice Dr. and juggles that with 2 kids. I don't think women should be embarrassed about needing/ wanting something outside the home. Everyone is wired differently and I think that as long as you have a balance it can work.
I find this subject interesting since I have been thinking about it recently after a conversation I just had. My sister in-law who just graduated from college told me she wanted to pop out some babies now that she graduated and got that education that all her YM leaders and her mother have told her she had to have "just in case." Now that she is married she was supposed to have babies. Like all that work to get that education is now void since she is married. I laughed and told her that she might want to take a breath and enjoy the moment before they plunged into tons of kids with about 7 years of school left for her husband.
I don't plan on working after everyone is in school but I do plan on volunteering in the community and doing things that will give me the fulfillment that it seems like you are taking about.
Love the post and miss you Holly. Your a breath of fresh air!
@Bethany: I don't know that it's really the need for someone recognizing your accomplishments (although it feels great!) but rather the feeling of being accomplished. I loved having the chance to be home with my boys and I get a great deal of satisfaction from teaching community college part time, but there are times I wonder if I'm neglecting God-given talents that were intended to benefit me in my personal growth and in return be a source of growth for others. Sometime in my young adulthood I altered the phrase (in my own mind) "You can do anything you want to" to include "but not EVERYTHING you want to."
Sunday I listened to another retelling of Johnny Lingo, and I agree with the principle that we can help others value themselves when we show that we value them. But, I wonder about the effect of what I call the Johnny Lingo Corollary: If Johnny ceases to love Mahana, does she then become ugly again? It is a fairly universal trait to value ourselves using external measures.
I understand the feeling of telling daughters to be awesome, but maybe not too awesome. Would it be wise for a woman to take out student loans for medical school if she planned to (and had opportunity to) have children and stay home for the next 20 years?
Boy, I'm trying to come up with some unifying statement to conclude this, but I can't. I get frustrated that my kids have to struggle with things I struggled with - why can't learning from experience be cumulative from generation to generation? I feel like I am doing good when I teach non-majors that they need ask their doctors questions, not believe every claim food labels make, and that their bodies do NOT burn more calories digesting celery than is absorbed, but the advances that I see in the news in my research field make me wonder what good I may have done if I had stayed on that track. But I have to make choices along the way toward the goal of the success of my family (survival/success: potato/potahto).
I have picked awesome friends. Thank you for your comments.
@ bethany...it DID feel food to write that all down. Writing seems to help my jumbled thoughts.
Now I have more things to mull over. Again, thank you. I really miss you all.
First, you are a wonderful mother!! Second, I have too many thoughts to write them succinctly and everyone else has already written such thoughtful comments. I have great memories of you teaching awesome RS lessons, clogging at the talent show, teaching dance ONE WEEK postpartum, biking through So Pas with all your kids, etc. You are such a role model! Even if your kids don't tell you, they are lucky to have you as their mother and you will be a blessing to them and their future families and on and on! And you should encourage your girls to strongly consider dermatology. :) By the way, ditto on the med school loans - Trent says I can stop working when all the loans are paid back, ha ha.
Holly, go go go go....win win win...don't stop. don't quit. don't let that other mom beat you. you will always be better than me in every way!
@Jen, thanks for giving me the benefit of the doubt, but truly, not that many years ago I really was that shallow (or maybe it was insecurity?) and I really did crave recognition from others. And since recognizing that fault (for that is a fault) I've talked to other friends who have mentioned the same thing, so I know I wasn't alone in that.
Fortunately I've recovered my senses and have learned that looking to other people for recognition is never satisfying -- there is no way to make everybody happy anyway. Which is why as long as I am confident that I'm doing what God wants (which takes regular prayer, etc.) I'm happy with what I'm doing, no matter what anybody else is thinking or saying.
As far as telling our girls to be awesome but not too awesome, I'd have to disagree. I think we mothers need to tell our daughters to be as awesome as they can possibly be, but again, use God's standard to teach them what that means. By far the majority of the time that will mean they need to be awesome while staying at home raising children. And if they do it right (because hopefully they'll have been taught well) they'll be happy, satisfied, AND feel more fulfilled than they could possibly feel anywhere else. But only if they do it right.
I think it comes down to whether we use the world's standard or God's standard to measure our sense of worth.
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