A Day of Reflection

This week has been an emotional one.  We heard last week about a friend out here who had found a mass on her liver.  She was going in for surgery to remove it and see what was going on this Tuesday.

Tuesday night came, and we heard bad news.  She had liver cancer, stage 4.   It was a slow growing kind, so chemotherapy and radiation wouldn't be effective.  She was given approximately two years.  This woman has five children, four girls and a boy.  Her oldest is in high school, and her youngest is a 14 month old little girl.

I have thought so much about her, and what I would do if given such limited time on earth.  Then today, I hear the news that she suddenly passed away this morning.

My heart is broken for her and her family.  All those little kids.

I know that we will live again.  I know that Jesus Christ lives and that our very lives go on through his redeeming power.  However, this causes me to reflect on my own life.  Am I ready to go?  How much time do I spend on frivolous things that really don't matter at all?

Do my children know each night how much I love them?  Does Brian?  I've grown up knowing death is a part of life, but it is so hard anyway.  I have some changing to do.  We all do.  That is the purpose of our life....to change and become perfected in Christ.

A Story

   About 2 1/2 years ago, I was headed to the hospital with painful contractions.  One completely panic-y doctor later, I had myself an emergency C-section.  Norah had arrived.

   That is not the story today.  That is old news.

   So, in that day after Norah was born, I knew she was not my last baby.  I just felt like there was one more.  It was an unwelcome feeling, especially at that time.

   Fast forward to several months ago.  I kept feeling like I should have another baby, but had no desire.  NONE!!  Brian and I often had conversations about our family being complete, but I just didn't think so.  Frankly, neither did he.

   So we jumped one more time.  What?!  I know!  Even as I write it down, it feels crazy.  It has never NOT felt like a totally crazy move.   Anyway, so here I am, 21 weeks pregnant.  I'm due in May.

   But guess what?  I'm having a boy this time.  Landon is thrilled, and Annie is devastated.  I, on the other hand, feel weird.  I expected to be SO excited about getting another boy, and yet I just feel nervous.  I have a lot of girls, and I am a bit freaked out at the boy.  Plus, Brian wants to name him Brian Jr, which is not going to happen.    (I'm thinking of having a secret baby blessing given by my dad just so he won't change the name we REALLY pick ;))

   I wonder about this baby.  I wonder if this is how all women feel when it is their last.  Did they want it to be?  I feel too old, too tired, and am too mean all the time to have any more.  I want to be done.  I want to schedule some permanent procedures for myself as soon as this boy arrives.  Seriously, like same day stuff.

   "Yes, could you just take the whole uterus with the baby?  Really, I won't be needing it anymore." That's how I feel.  And feeling like that makes me feel guilty.  I try to get excited, and I'm sure I will eventually, but so far I'm not.

   19 weeks to go...and counting.