About 2 1/2 years ago, I was headed to the hospital with painful contractions. One completely panic-y doctor later, I had myself an emergency C-section. Norah had arrived.
That is not the story today. That is old news.
So, in that day after Norah was born, I knew she was not my last baby. I just felt like there was one more. It was an unwelcome feeling, especially at that time.
Fast forward to several months ago. I kept feeling like I should have another baby, but had no desire. NONE!! Brian and I often had conversations about our family being complete, but I just didn't think so. Frankly, neither did he.
So we jumped one more time. What?! I know! Even as I write it down, it feels crazy. It has never NOT felt like a totally crazy move. Anyway, so here I am, 21 weeks pregnant. I'm due in May.
But guess what? I'm having a boy this time. Landon is thrilled, and Annie is devastated. I, on the other hand, feel weird. I expected to be SO excited about getting another boy, and yet I just feel nervous. I have a lot of girls, and I am a bit freaked out at the boy. Plus, Brian wants to name him Brian Jr, which is not going to happen. (I'm thinking of having a secret baby blessing given by my dad just so he won't change the name we REALLY pick ;))
I wonder about this baby. I wonder if this is how all women feel when it is their last. Did they want it to be? I feel too old, too tired, and am too mean all the time to have any more. I want to be done. I want to schedule some permanent procedures for myself as soon as this boy arrives. Seriously, like same day stuff.
"Yes, could you just take the whole uterus with the baby? Really, I won't be needing it anymore." That's how I feel. And feeling like that makes me feel guilty. I try to get excited, and I'm sure I will eventually, but so far I'm not.
19 weeks to go...and counting.
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10 comments:
Congrats! I have heard similar stories from several friends. Someone once told me something like this, "once you hold that baby, you won't ever regret having it, but if you chose not to have another baby like you thought you should, you will always regret it!"
I love your blog posts, so refreshingly honest and open!
PS - not that I get a vote, but I'm on your side....no Brian Jr! My bro-in-law is Tom III, and his dad was Tom II, and his dad was Tom. It was VERY confusing as they were growing up. My sister put her foot down when her husband mentioned he might want to name their son Tom IV. They are so glad they named him Ryan! :)
CONGRATS!!! Laughing about the same day procedure...how fun for Landon to have a little bro...Good luck with the name game!
Yay for boys! Good luck with your pregnancy, hope it goes fast. :) I love reading your posts they are always so "refreshingly honest and open" as Danika put it.
Good luck and congrats! I hope you have a great delivery! Love your blog posts too.
I had that same feeling before we had Ben. I really really wanted to be done! And now that we have Ben I feel really really done (just hoping I never have to eat those words)!
Holly, Holly, Holly....I know the procedures you will ACTUALLY do: boob job, tummy tuck and lipo..secrets out..
anyhow, I am so proud of you. always so selfless, going against your own nature, doing exactly what you don't want to do: procreating and filling this earth with yummy children. its a painful job but somebody's got to do it. Even though Brian Jr. will be your last, don't stop "jumping" your baby daddy. It justs gets better and better!!
oxoxox
Since you had a c-section last time, you could have another and get your tubes tied at the same time. That's what a lady in our ward did. Doesn't sound like any fun to me, but I know I'm not done yet. Glad Landon gets another brother. :)
I wanted to thank you for this great read!! I definitely enjoyed every little bit of it, I have you bookmarked to check out all the new stuff you post.... Bridal lehenga
lindas
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